When should I “correct” someone who’s disoriented?

“Why does my mom thinks that I’m her mother?”

“My husband asks me what time it is every 2 minutes…he’s driving me crazy!”

“When I saw my grandmother over the holidays she was dressed in just a summer gown and robe…but it was really cold!”

These are examples of disorientation.

It’s pretty common for people living with symptoms of dementia to feel disoriented, misaligned with reality. The thing is, even if you recognize her assumptions are incorrect, it’s often better to NOT correct someone with symptoms of dementia.

For example, when my grandfather recently thought I was my mother, I didn’t correct him. I never do. Somehow he still remembers a lot of the important things: my personality, my passion for design, my hobbies, my travels with my grandmother…. But he’ll call my grandmother “your mother” while singing her praises for being so strong, so kind, so witty. In that situation, it couldn’t matter less what name he uses for me.

But my other grandfather, had no idea who I was for years. It wasn’t just forgetting my name; I think he’d forgotten himself. That was probably when I first learned the fine line between “identifying” (Hi, Papa! It’s Jennie Lynn, your granddaughter!) and “correcting” (No, you’re not in Alabama, you live in Washington DC now).

Both of these examples are pretty tame, but you get my point: often, not correcting someone can be better than correcting him.

Practically, what does that mean? How should I handle it instead? When should I “correct” her and when should I just let it go?

When to correct a disoriented person:

Gauge whether her disorientation is endangering anyone (including herself).If your loved one is becoming agitated or reacts violently when she’s disoriented, reorienting her may be the way to go.With a soft, soothing voice, introduce yourself and your relationship and then help her understand what’s happening. (and please don’t endanger your own health and safety in the process)
Think about whether her feeling disoriented will hurt your ability to communicate.It can be really unsettling if, for example, your grandmother calls you by her brother’s name instead of your own. But if she’s telling you a story about her childhood, the name that she calls you probably doesn’t matter. She wants to share her story; she recognizes you as a loved one. Misidentifying your relationship isn’t really the point.

Or if she thinks you’re at her childhood home in Missouri rather than in your home in South Carolina? That’s likely benign, too.

In situations like these, “correcting” might cause more harm than good. Why? Because each time someone is “corrected” it introduces a bit more self-doubt. Over time it can cause people to withdraw…and isolation correlates with quickening decline.

It also distracts from the purpose of her communication in the first place. This makes a person feel marginalized.

If you think a correction would help, approach it with humor, making it clear that you’re not mocking her. Laughing “Aw, Grammy, I do remember that from when you lived in Missouri, before you moved here to South Carolina” will go a lot farther than snapping “We’re in South Carolina. Not Missouri.”

If disorientation hurts her ability to communicate (ex: your grandmother is now asking for her deceased husband, “Where’s Henry? I want Henry to come in here!”), you’re going to have to quickly weigh the pros and cons yourself. This is where it gets tough.

First, consider if she’s trying to tell you something other than what she’s saying. Maybe Henry’s the one who always cooked for her and she’s actually hungry; maybe they used to hold hands and she’s lonely.See, often people living with advanced dementia lose the ability to pinpoint “what’s wrong” if they feel off. And sometimes they don’t even recognize that anything is wrong.
If you’ve determined that, nope, she really wants your grandfather to be there and she doesn’t realize that he’s passed, now you have to make some trickier decisions. You can ask “Why?” (Why do you want Henry? Is there anything I can do to help?)
- You might attempt to “redirect” her attention. You can do this with humor; that definitely helps. Then, change the subject.This can feel a little disrespectful. After all, you’re not really acknowledging your loved one’s communique. But it may be easier (for you), less upsetting (for her), and more respectful than lying. It might even lead to another conversation. It’s an option.
- You can tell the truth, even knowing that it might upset her (which can result in psychological and physical stress). Another concern is that you might have to explain the same thing tomorrow, going through the same difficult reaction again and again. But in a lot of situations (especially the less stressful ones) this is the way to go.
- You can lie. Or fib.I’ve heard people say things like, “He’s at work, Grammy, he’ll be back later tonight” and, although I completely understand why they”re taking that route, I sometimes can’t help but cringe inside.
- However, I know it can sometimes be the kindest option. Some people living with advanced dementia will consistently be upset by any other answer; this might be a way of communicating “everything’s ok.” Or it may just be too much for a caregiver to take at that moment. I understand that, too.

Every situation is different and, if you haven’t already, you’ll learn to go through this mental checklist when disorientation rears its head in a conversation (Does it matter? Will hurt her communication? If I need to clarify or correct, how best to approach it?). Or, at least, I did.

I’d really like to hear about how you’ve handled these situations. I know it can occur in so many ways; in the future we’ll be exploring more specific examples. Is there an approach that you’ve found to be helpful? Are there events that you’re still questioning your response to? Are there particular experiences you’d like us to explore? Please comment and let us know, or you can e-mail me directly at MySimpleC@SimpleC.com.

If you only remember 3 things:

Living with symptoms of dementia doesn’t render you any less worthy of respect, no matter how confused or disconnected: treat disoriented people like adults

Keep a sense of humor

Only “correct” someone if it’s necessary for communication or health/safety

Editor’s Note:

This post is a starting point. The discussion will continue to build, though, through additional articles and links and, most importantly, through your comments. What’s your experience been? Do you have tips to share? What would you like to hear more about in future posts?

Some topics that I’ve been considering:

Is it ever ok to lie? (ex: “My mom’s asking for my (deceased) dad…”)

Disorientation and panic: what can you do?

Wandering

Why doesn’t she recognize me?

Physical acting-out

What do you think? What are you most interested in reading about?

Thanks for reading!
–Jennie Lynn Rudder

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